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what do yo do when your out of dreams...

 I have never been someone who got truly depressed and not know how to get out of it. For months now I find am depressed most days. I wake, I eat, attend Doc appointments, and eat again, and sleep.

What do you live for when you know you aren't going to live. That each day could be your last, then why plan ahead. I don't have things to look forward to, or to work towards. I spend more days with an upset tummy and pain then I will ever tell you. I don't do anything because I don't feel good and can't do the things I love. I can't go to the mountains that suround me, and call to me everyday.  Can't camp or fish anymore, can't play in a lake, stream or ocean. Swimming in pools is even iffy due to bactiria, and germs. Can't eat a lot of my favorite things, no greens, no pork or beef, mexican food only if no beans. Specilty cheeses like feta or gonzola, once again due to bactiras. I feel like my life is full of "I can't" or do not's. I see a show or concert I want to go to, first it has to be outside because of germs, then you have to know you will beable to make the walk in, thee is never enough disabled parking. then you don't want to buy ticket to a concert, because if I have a bad day I can't go, so I wasted the money, and I get to disapoint myself and Ralph. We have had most of our friends grow apart from us, I don't blame them, but for 5 1/2, we have not been able to attend BBQ's,tailgating or football games. So they have moved on without us.

I can breathe

I am alive

Why is that not enough for me.

How do I feel so empty.

I don't get to plan for tomorrow,

But I do get to live today.

Isn't that enough?

I am grateful for the gift of life,

But, I don't feel I'm living it.

I get more lonely everyday.

I am sick or in pain most of the time.

But, you won't here me complain,

I am holding it all inside.

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Live like your dying...

To live like your dying....is good!
Today is a special day for me and my family. It was 3yrs ago today that I was given my second chance at life, my lung transplant. It has not been an easy ride, still fighting with LAM diesease and stil no cure. But I have been able to spend time with each of my kids and grand children that I had come to believe I would never see. I saw the two youngest learn to walk, talk, and give kisses. They are no longer babies, but young ladies! living in the land of FairyTales. My oldest have graduated, and started thier new lifes. My oldest grandson going to school dances and drive a car! Two come to see me every other Friday and I get to hear all their plans. And we can't forget the middle one, the one who gave up summer camps for 2 years to take care of me. There were so many days I don't know what I would have done with out her there. I have been blessed to see my baby find love, start a famiy, and to watch him become an incedible Daddy! I have seen my oldest son get his dream job, but still always put his family first. And I got to see my daughter and her family get a home of thier very own! My husband, well some how I really scored there too! We cherish everyday we have together, and love everyday like it could be our last. Things that use to seem like such a big deal shrink to what really matters. Living like your dying, the only way to live!

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Letter to Rossi, Jeffery's Mom

I am one of  the people that your son's loss, gave me life again. I am sorry I haven't written again in so long. I have been fighting aganist my LAM diesease, as many times it has tried to take me, I made it through because of your son. His lung is so strong and has stayed that way through some very ruff times.  Times that I wanted to give in, but then I would take a breathe and know that he was in me fighting, and so I needed to fight too. Jeffery and I have been through so much these last 3 yrs., have shared moments that I would have never had with out him. I talk to Jeffery pretty much everyday, I pray for him, give thanks, and ask God to watch over you. I was blessed with two new grand daughters just before my life was saved. I thought I would never see them grow, that they would have no memory of me at all. But, they do know me.. They know all about me, and Jeffery and why he and his family are always in my prayers. My youngest kisses my chest, and tells him good night. We planted a tree in the yard in honor of him on my 1st year anniversery. Last year we made a beutiful stepping stone to place under the tree.
I read your letter often, it is looking a little shabby, but, we love it. There are so many things that make Jeffery and I a great pair. we were both born in July,  I loved Greek mythology, my dogs were named after Lord Odyesuss and Lady Peneleapy, we called them Ody & Ne'le . I two love dogs and all my life I have had at least one, often two.  Apperently when waking up from transplant they had to let me write on an wipe board, the first question was about my dog getting his pills! I love my dogs.
I also shared his love of music, when I read thrugh the music I cried. I had almost everyone of his songs already on my I pod. My favorite song has always been "Somewhere over the rainbow" I have 8 different singers doing that song on my I pod and Israel Iz has always been one of my favorites. That has become "our song" and always think of Jeffery.
I have always had a stong relationship with God. I don't practice any religion, but He is always in my heart and I pray to him often. I never could have got through everything I have been through with out my strong belief in God. I do believe life does not end with dealth. During my fight after transplant I have had my Mother in Law and my Grandmy come and be by my side.
I truly wish I could come and see you face to face, so you can see in my eyes, the everlasting love I hold for Jeffery and your family. Medical expences have taken any chance of that, we are figting to hold on to our home, and travel money just isn't there.  I have to best friends that stayed by my side, which has been ruff for 5 yrs, Misty and Chrystal. . My firend Misty was just in Sweden visiting her parents whom are over there serving  a relgious mission. Misty tried to find you but was unsucessful. Her Mother, Janet, is like another Mother to me and she would love to met you, and share more of my story with you. If that is okay with you send me your contact phone and address. She will be there a couple more months.
At the end of your letter you wrote "Your joy is ours"  Joy is my favorite word, and yes I share every Joyful moment with Jeffery and you in my heart always. I am tring to write my story for my family and others who may find it helpful. I started a diary about 6 months before my tansplant. Let me know if you want a copy when it's done.
Thinking of you often, Kristen Clegg
1-801-523-9630 or 1-801-649-1661
311 Jerand Way Sandy, UT 84070

I played Hide and Seek!

played hide & seek with Aali!

Adding to the list...cancer!

                       


                                 On the 1st of June I saw Dr. Hull, my dematologist, for my 6 month check. He is sure the sore I have on my chest and my lip are cancer. He seems pritty sure he scraped it all off, but turns out I needed to go back and have more removed. They were able to cut out a 12 mm Squamous cell from my chest. And my lip one has grown back in just 12 days, that they burned off. I know everyone gets skin cancer, but I am still overwhelmed with all my gut stuff. Ralph and I have a check list and it seems like when I take one thing off and end up adding more. When will this cycle end, when can I live my life again?
                                The month of July is so filled with appts. that we can't find break to get away for a couple days. But, hopefully we can get some progress on this list of ours. By  the end of July we will have met with the new higher up            GI specalist, the surgeon, and have the cancer removed.
                               Oh, and I will turn 51, all the Doctor who said I would never see 50, HA HA!

Clinic day...sent to Pain Management team

thought broken rib causing pain, try before surgery 

Shopping and lunch with Lexi!

My sweet and gratful girl, after taking care of me for a second summer...

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terminally ill: LAM;
kristenclegg
kristenclegg

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